Oh My Guilt!

Learn to Understand and Release Your Guilt

If you struggle with guilt, this blog is for you. I have been a counsellor for over a decade, and in hundreds of client conversations, I’ve noticed that many people, particularly women and mothers, carry a heavy burden of guilt. It is such a common experience that I promised myself I would write a book about it one day, but for now, I’m starting with this blog and a workbook I created.

Not all guilt is bad. In fact, guilt can serve a purpose. Learn to differentiate your guilt.

Guilt : Healthy vs Unhealthy

Healthy guilt shows up when we’ve done something that goes against our values. It nudges us to reflect, repair, apologize, or make things right. Healthy guilt is proportional and temporary. Once we take responsibility and repair what we can, it softens.

Example of Healthy Guilt: You snap at someone after a long day. Later, you realize your tone was harsh and didn’t reflect how you want to show up. You feel uncomfortable. That discomfort motivates you to apologize and repair. After you take responsibility and reconnect, the guilt eases.

That’s Healthy guilt: it guided you back to your values.

Unhealthy guilt lingers and shows up even when you didn’t do anything wrong.

It exaggerates responsibility. It tells you you’re “bad” instead of acknowledging a behaviour. It often comes from old conditioning, people-pleasing patterns, trauma, or unrealistic expectations. Unhealthy guilt sticks around long after the situation has passed.

At its core, unhealthy guilt is a signal that you’re overextending yourself or carrying responsibility that isn’t truly yours, rather than an indicator of actual wrongdoing.

Guilt is a complex emotion shaped by our biology, psychology, and social experiences.

Examples of Unhealthy Guilt:

• Saying “no” to a request.

• Not replying to a message immediately.

• Prioritizing your own needs.

• Enjoying yourself while others are stressed.

• Feeling guilty about a past mistakes.

• Asking for help or support.

• Changing your mind.

• Needing space or time alone.

• Not meeting everyone’s expectations.

• Resting or taking time for yourself.

• Disappointing someone.

Biological: Research shows that guilt activates brain regions involved in moral reasoning and emotional processing, including the prefrontal cortex and anterior cingulate cortex.

Psychological: Guilt develops through internalized values, empathy, perfectionism, and cognitive patterns.

Social: Parenting styles, cultural norms, and social expectations shape how guilt is experienced. Children with overly critical or perfectionistic caregivers are more likely to develop unhealthy guilt, while adults often feel guilt in response to relational or societal pressures.

Key Takeaway

Feeling guilty is an emotion. Emotions are not bad; they are information.

The key is learning how to tune in and understand what the emotion is trying to tell us.

It’s also important to remember: no one can make us feel a certain way. While others may influence or trigger emotions, we ultimately have control over how we process those feelings and how we choose to respond.

Guilt vs Shame

• Guilt = feeling bad about an action

• Shame = feeling bad about yourself

Thank you for reading. Until next time,

Valérie